#2 in our series: The Four Agreements for Musicians
This one is a big one: Don’t take anything personally.
As musicians, we’re wired to feel things deeply. Music, after all, is about emotional expression. But that emotional depth can also make us vulnerable—especially when it comes to feedback, criticism, and the unpredictability of the music industry (on top of the unpredictability of the world right now).
Ruiz’s advice to not take things personally isn’t about not caring. It’s about protecting your creative energy from being hijacked by other people’s opinions and actions. When you learn to separate your perceived value and self-worth from how others respond to you and your music, you become a more confident, grounded, and creative musician. Let’s explore how this applies to life in the practice room, on stage, and in your music career.
Ruiz writes:
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.”
In music, this translates to realizing that how people respond to your work isn’t always about you. It’s far more likely all about them. A negative review? That’s most certainly colored by the reviewer’s own personal taste and experiences. A cold audience? There are so many factors that can be contributing to the vibe in the room being “off” and all involved having a collective “bad day.” A fellow musician who seems to undermine you? That very well could stem from their own insecurities rather than anything you’ve done wrong.
Your job as a musician is to create and perform. You can’t control how others respond. It’s not even your responsibility to make an attempt to. I try to remind myself (in the spirit of Stephen Covey) that while this sort of thing may be within my Circle of Concern, it’s not likely within my Circle of Influence . . . a topic we’ll be revisiting many times in the future.
Criticism
Have you ever finished a gig feeling great, only to have someone come up afterward and say something like:
“Your timing was off in that second chorus.”
or “Didn’t quite hit that note, huh?”
Instant ego deflation, right? And maybe they’re review was valid, but maybe it wasn’t. Either way, it’s not your job to internalize it in a negative way.
Next time you receive criticism (especially unsolicited), ask yourself: Is this helpful feedback I can use to improve? Or is this just one person’s opinion that I don’t need to internalize?
Also consider the messenger. Is this coming from a musician who you respect and trust?
If it’s helpful feedback, fantastic! Accept it, reflect on it, and adjust accordingly. If not, let it roll off your back and move on.
Story time: One of my personal favorite criticism experiences
I was performing in Tacoma, Washington 10+ years ago, playing drums with both acts on the bill. In reality, the two novelty/era/theme “bands” consisted of literally the same four musicians, just dressed in different costumes for each set.
We opened the show as ’80s nerd rockers, The Spazmatics. I wore my double-billed Sherlock Holmes hat, geek glasses, and a “Hi, my name is Dewey” sticker.
Then we closed the show as ’70s disco sensations, The Afrodisiacs. I wore my shag wig, sunglasses, and platform shoes.
As the show came to a close, I went out front to dance The Hustle with the crowd, as we nearly always did. An audience member caught my attention right afterward, raving on about how fun the show had been. I remember exactly one line from that exchange:
“You guys were SOOO much better than that first band!”
Wait, WHAT?! Although most of the audience was unaware, let me reiterate that the performers in the two bands were THE EXACT SAME HUMAN BEINGS! Hell, we even played the same gear.
Did we somehow suck the entire first set and then magically get our act together and step it up during the second set? Nope. Same players. Same level of musicianship. The man making the comment probably just dug disco music more than he liked ’80s tunes, and that lens tinted his feelings about the show.
Ever since that night, this lesson has been a very real (and very funny) reminder to me to not let criticism of that type occupy much space in my head.
(and no, I never did break it to him)
Band Dynamics
Relationships between bandmates are notorious for being tricky. Someone misses a rehearsal. The bassist gets passive-aggressive about the new setlist. A songwriter in the group isn’t open to your suggestions.
It’s easy to interpret this stuff as personal.
“They must not respect me.”
“Maybe they don’t think I’m good enough to collaborate with.”
Again, most of the time, it’s not about you in the slightest. It’s about whatever they’re dealing with. Stress, creative frustration, personal life challenges . . . you never know what’s happening beneath the surface.
Instead of reacting emotionally, try approaching the situation with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Give your bandmate the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps ask a clarifying question.
Putting Your Work Out Into the World
Sharing your original music is one of the most vulnerable things you can do. When you put a song out into the world, you’re essentially saying: “Here’s a piece of me.”
It’s similar when you record tracks on someone’s song. I think of this nearly every time I hit Send on an email, shipping remote drum tracks off to a client.
Maybe they’ll love it. Maybe they’ll hate it and come back with a page of revision notes. Worse still, maybe they’ll hate it but not tell me and just never hire me again. Aaaaagh!
Hold on, mister . . . back the jolly trolley up. And breathe. You’ll get through this.
Remember: once it’s out there, it’s no longer about you. Some people will connect with it. Some won’t. That’s not a reflection of you as a musician—it’s just about the listener’s personal taste and experience.
Instead of bracing yourself for rejection (it’s never healthy to expect negativity), shift your mindset: Did the song resonate with you when you first wrote it? Did you create something that feels true to your vision (or to what you feel the client is trying to convey)?
If yes: mission accomplished.
Taking things personally robs you of creative energy and mental clarity. When you detach from other people’s opinions (no matter whether they are positive or negative) you free yourself to make better art. You reclaim your sense of creative autonomy.
Musicians who thrive over the long haul are the ones who learn to separate their identity from how their work is received. Focus on your music. Let go of the rest.
Have a piece of feedback that has stuck with you? Share about it in a comment below!
Happy music making–
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Comments
2 responses to “Don’t Take It Personally (and Ditch the Emotional Musical Baggage)”
A drunk came up to me on a break once and said, “When I watch you play, you’re all wrong, but when I close my eyes and listen to you, you’re killing it”. Mentally thanking him for his clueless set up, I said, “So keep your eyes closed.”
And I do apologize for that being the way the two of us had to initially meet 🤪🤣